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Sunday, December 28, 2003
  A State Of Depression
I went to Louisiana on Christmas day to spend time with JH. I had a good time, but why is it that my home state depresses me? Lately when I get home from a La. trip, I’m extremely sad. Why is this?

I think that one of the things that bothers me the most is how much things have changed in my home town. Most of the people and places that were sooo important to me in my youth are now insignificant to me. When I returned to my hotel room Friday night, I turned on the television and it was on the local real estate channel. It saddened me to see so many of my old friend’s homes for sale. The fact that most of their parents were getting a divorce and had to sell their homes saddened me more. The fact that I’m no longer friends with most of these people saddened me most of all.

I found my old journals from my childhood up until I moved to Ms. yesterday while going through my storage house. I sat down a read my old journals from junior high thru high school along with some old notes from friends and an old boyfriend. They made me smile, but made me sad at the same time. It was bitter sweet to look back on this time of my life.

It is sad to think that these people were such an important part of my life for so long and now I know nothing about them. I’m not friends with one person that was in my life then. (Well maybe one, but not two!!) Why do I wonder what ever happened to these people? Why do I care? Most of them made my life a living hell. I think that I would enjoy hearing that some of them (the mean ones) have f***ed up far worse than I ever could. You see, everyone thought that I was a bad person because I had sex at a young age with my boyfriend whom I loved. I lost my virginity in a bed to someone that I loved and not in a truck to a member of the “Prairie Road Posse” or a West Monroe Rebel, for that I was a slut. If that made me a slut then I’m glad to be one, trust me.

This gave anyone with any insecurity someone to talk about, my boyfriend and I. I look back now on all of the pain that I went through and wonder if I would change anything. I know that I really loved my boyfriend at the time. To this day, he has a special place in my heart, but never again will he rule my world. I was CRAZY about this boy. I can laugh about it now, but back then he was my entire life. I’m still friends with him today. (15 years later) How many people can say that about their first love? Not many. I would not change this part of my life though it was full of pain and heartache; it helped mold me into the strong person that I am today. I’ve never really cared much what others thought about me. As long as those that I really cared about knew that I was a good person that is all that mattered. It is the same today.

I guess that everything changes in time. I think that what bothers me most about these changes is that when I was young most of these people and places were so important to me. Now that I look back, it all looks so small. My youth is so very small. It only makes me realize how very adult my life is now and that is what has me in a state of depression.
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