Rest in Peace
Ms. Tigger and I on the happiest day...
Remember earlier when I said that I didn't know how much more heartache that I could take? Oviously, much more. I've hurt one of the most important people in my life today without even knowing it.
There are no words to describe the pain that I'm feeling at this particular moment in time. God, I thought that I felt bad about my father. Shit! That's nothing compared to this. I've probably just lost one of the people that I love most in this world.
Why in the fuck am I here? How much bullshit can one person take? Have I not had enough? HUH? Fuck you, I'm done. I've finally had ENOUGH!
I really don't have much to say today, believe it or not. I feel that I was getting out of that "funk" that I was in only to step into more.Why do these things (I'll explain later.) always
happen to me? Yes, I know they happen to other people too. I'm definite that there are a lot of people with problems much bigger than mine. I really don't know how much more heartache I can take!
When I feel this way, it frightens me. I feel like I have no one, nothing. Why am I even here? Did God (or whomever) just put me here to see just how much shit one person could handle? I've expierenced a life of pain? Well, I've had enough!!!
How True It Is
"There is no love like lost love, no pain like a broken heart. There's no love like you and me and no loss like us apart."
I have been feeling this way for a while and Ben expressed my feelings like no one else could.
What The Fuck?
I did not mean to post the same thing sooo many times. (I promise that I'm not stoned.) This DAMN blog is trying to make me CRAZY. It is definitely working.
If you are EXTREMELY bored, you can read them all because each one is different.
If you choose not to read, I can't say that I blame you.
I promise to do better with my next entries.
Today I have an interview with a man about becoming one of his main "drug dealers". Good for me!! After the interview, HH and I are heading to La. to visit some family members. (Dad, the real one.) This will be her first time to see him in 14 years. If he fucks with her or makes her cry; I'll be forced to kick him square in tha nuts!!
I hope that this visit goes well. At least, we will have some sisterly bonding time. (in the car) I'm sure once HH sees my neice, Lexie, we probably will not be seeing too much of eachother. That's o.k. HH loves kids and they love her too. I want HH to have a good time this weekend.
I'll let you know how everything goes.
Like A Moth To A Flame
Why is it that we, as humans, always long for the things that are unavailable to us? We long for love that we can’t have. We long for bigger homes and better cars. We long to be more desirable. Some of us will go to the extremes to make our appearance more “desirable”. Some of us even long for a better group of friends. Why do we do this to ourselves? How do you know when to stop longing and settle for what is available to you?
I have been known to want an unattainable love a time or two in my life. (Haven’t we all?) I find that I’m currently longing for the unattainable; I usually am, I’ve been doing this all of my life. Why are we so attracted to the things that are so very hard to attain? If I knew this answer; my life would be much easier. I guess that somewhere in the back of my mind that I’m always hoping for the unattainable to become attainable to me. (Don’t we all do this at one point or another?)
Lately I feel that I should settle for what is attainable. It may not be exactly what I want, but it can result in companionship. No one wants to go through life alone. I’m constantly haunted by the thought that I might make a big
mistake along the way. What if I do? How will I know? I guess that there are no guarantees in life. That is why we collect our experiences and do the best we can to learn from them.
Sometimes we long for things that are available. (Things like cars, homes, beauty, etc.) You can have any of these things for the correct amount of money. You can save your money to buy your dream house or your dream car. To me, it seems that they would mean more to you since you had to work so hard to attain them. This should give you a much better appreciation for the once unavailable that has now become available to you.
Not happy with your body? Save your money and change it. If you are like me and have small breasts, you could get implants and make then just about ANY
size you’d like. (I’ve been told several times that I should make this investment. I’ve even had someone offer to buy them for me.) Uh, NO thank you! In this day and age we can even buy ourselves a “new face”. You can get a new nose, new eyes, lips, cheeks; the works.
It seems to me, that there are sooo unhappy with their looks. Maybe they are trying to cover up something that has made them unhappy on the inside. Maybe all of these “so called” beautifully surgically enhanced people are just the ones that are in love with the “unattainable”. I can think of many other ways to try and feel better about this. (Hey, I’d much rather go on a shopping spree than walk around looking like a “Pamela Anderson wannabe!")
All in all, we want what we can’t have. If everything that we wanted in life were available to us; where would the challenge be? Where are the lessons learned from these life experiences? Would the unavailable be so appealing if it were available?
I left this out earlier. Dr.MM said that he could only come up with one diagnosis for me and that was that I was a "Free Spirit". How fucking awesome is that? I told you that he was good, damn good.
"Free Spirit" and there's nothing wrong with that is there? To me, to have gone through the tough shit that I've had to endure in my life, to be called such a word makes me extremely happy!
Let The Good Times Roll
I’m here in the waiting room at the head schrinker’s office doing what you’re supposed to do in this room: waiting! I feel like I’m fixing to have an anxiety attack just sitting here. (What the hell?) I must say that part of the anxiety is meeting someone new for the first time. I guess that I’m intimidated by the fact that he will seemingly be “studying” me. I just hope that he doesn’t come to the conclusion that I’m absolutely nuts and there is NO hope for me. We’ll see.
I took my medicine that Dr.MM gave to me today. I must say that it feels good to feel “normal” again without all of this damn anxiety. I took my Xanax at about 7p.m. and had a few beers. Duh, you should not drink while taking this! Not two hours later; I was out like a light. Now, I’m awake and here to play with my “Precious”.
I must say that I felt better after leaving Dr. MM’s office than I have in a loooong time. In just a short hour, he gave me some grrrreat advice that I think I will take to heart this time. Needless to say, I’ve found me a good one and will definitely be going back. (Feb. 4th, to be exact.)
I loved the fact that he genuinely seemed to be concerned with my well-being. He actually listened to me when I talked. (Most of these guys just sit there writing God knows what on their little pad while every now and the looking up at you and saying, yeah, keep going. As if they are listening to a damn thing that you’ve just said.) Not Dr. MM, he was listening. He even wanted to hear about my blog. Yippee!! I showed him how to get there and I hope that he chooses to read on.
For the first time in a long time; I feel like I’m on the right track to my “new life”. He also told me not to give up on my love, because as he said, anything is possible. We are both going through a lot right now. Dr. MM reminded me that I should be more sensitive to his needs and try to help him the best that I can. That is exactly what I’m going to do. I love this person and Dr. MM told me to never give up hope. As he put it, all things happen for a reason.
I talked to CM earlier and asked him if he had plans for his birthday. None so far, well, baby, you got you some BIG plans now and I simply can’t wait.
I wanted to post a link on here just to see if it will work. Here goes: zauberinlola
This is a really nice girl that I met today, read her.
My friend sent this to me on January 8th. I thought that it was so sweet, and true. Obviously, he knows how I've been feeling lately because he came up with the appropriate prayer for me. I hope that he doesn't mind me posting it here. (He doesn't, I called to ask permission.) I thought that it was so touching that I wanted to keep it always.
I am thinking of sad you and hoping that you soon will rise up from the mud like some new species, improved by the forces of natural selection and ready to out survive and outbreed us humans. You will retain the essence of your former self, the inner strenght, free spirit, and smooth skin, yet you will also be newly formed in ways, I, as a human, can only imagine. That is my prayer for you tonight. Life is too short for this moping that you're doing.
He has such a beautiful way with words. They always (most of the time) make me happy.
No La Reeve
Needless to say, I'm experimenting with my blog. I have sooo many things to post. I'm going to try and let them make as much sense (if any) as I usually do. These are posts that I've written over the past week, but just had not had a chance to sit and post w/o my "Precious" being screwed! So here I go, I'm trying my best here. Oh, and I should also mention that I'm under the influence of drugs. (Prescribed, of course) Well, except for one.
La Reeve written on 1-23-04 @ 10:30am.
Moira, Heidi, and I went to eat at Chili's last night. So much Fun!! It was good to see her. She finally got a phone so I can call her when I'm in town; rather than just "popping" in. I know I hate it when people do it to me. We had a shot called a "lemon drop", I'd never had one. I must say that I liked it a lot. It just didn't agree with the five Bud Lights that I had before we even went to Chili's, or the other beer I drank after we got back to the room, or the little bit I smoked once we got back. Whatever! I puked, regurertated, vomited, hurled, or ralphed. However you wish to say it, I sure did it. I must say that I felt much better after I well, you know.
Anyway, I learned something very important that night. When reaching into your purse to get your Visine; make sure that it is, indeed, Visine. I was squirting damn Vicks Nasal Spray into my eyes and my drunken ass didn't realize it, until I got to the second eye. Ain't that some shit?
1-24-04 @ 12:35pm
Heidi and I just got up and had breakfast and turned on the TV to find that on ESPN Classic; they were showing Super Bowl III. You know the one where Joe Namath guaranteed victory? I love him! He's just so super sexy cool, even now, all old and shit; he's still pretty damn cool. (I did pay 400 dollars for a Jets helmet autographed by him!) I'm a true fan. J! E! T! S! JETS! JETS! JETS!
My dad just called and asked if HH and I wanted to eat lunch with him and then go to the hospital to see my grandmother. Seeing that we just finished breakfast; I told him that maybe we could eat lunch tomorrow. Also the fact that I'm high as a kite right now might have something to do with me "putting daddy off". (You know, to dad, I don't smoke, I've NEVER done drugs, and I'm still a virgin!) I do drink a bit, but that's just every now and then. I NEVER get falling down drunk or anything. No, not me. HH and I are going to see my grandmother later, but we are really into this game. Besides, Erik is on his way over to visit.
Well, now we are lying in bed with the doors to the balcony open. It's pouring down rain and I love it. You simply couldn't ask for a better day. The weather: my, favorite, (It would be better if it were a massive thunderstorm.) hotel beds rock, and room service is good. (French fries) I've got some grrrreat company, good pot, ice cold cokes, and cold beer. Does it get any better? If only I could freeze this moment in time and make it last forever! For the first time in a long time, I feel totally unstressed and undepressed!
HH and I went by my cousin's house and no one was home. Then we went by JH's and he was not home. WTF? Where is everyone? Oh well, HH and I went to the hospital at about 6:00pm to see my grandmother. That is when I over heard some of the most shocking news that I've EVER
had to deal with in my life. Ken Is NOT
my biological father! WTF??? There are just sooo many questions: none of which I want to get into right now. I think I fainted or went into shock or something because the last thing that I remember is asking my "father" if it were true and he said," yes". I later woke up in my bed at the hotel room.
I'm now up, can't sleep, can't eat, and really can't think! I just took some medication and made myself a cold coke. HH is in the other room asleep. She is such a sweetheart. I wouldn't have survived this day w/o her and someone else whom I'm not at liberty to mention. I've tried to call BM about 1000 times. He's yet to answer or call me back. (Grrrreat having a "friend" to talk to!?!)
How can the "most perfect" day turn into the "most horrible"in just a matter of minutes? Would someone please explain that one to me?
I'm watching The Virginian
on the Hallmark channel. I was flipping and saw a young and sexy Robert Redford, so here I am.
Why I don't watch much TV: too many commercials.
Check out swiffer.com for Jeanneve's (I'm sure that I spelled her name wrong, but people have been doing it to me all of my life, sorry.) tips for decorating.
Oh, it's a mini-series because it's going off after just 30 minutes. Guess that I will try to find myself some cartoons.
The drugs are kicking in and I don't feel as bad. I just wish that I had someone to cry to and "let it out!"
Can I Smoke In Here?
I began the process of my therapy yesterday. (Hooray for me!!) I had to go to my GP doctor’s office for a referral. I got there at 12:30p.m. And finally saw the doctor at 3:00p.m. (Glad that I had nothing else to do with my day.) Dr. G said that I was definitely showing signs of depression. (No shit!) He gave me two prescriptions to start taking. Today I start back on my Wellburtin and one I’ve never taken before, Transxene. (He said the Transxene was like a XANAX that lasted all day.) Great, just what I need!?
Dr. G referred me to Dr. MM. He is supposed to be one of the best psychiatrists in the state. For 300 dollars an hour, he better be pretty fucking special. (He best not get mad at me if I smoke in his office. Shit! For 300 dollars, he should have a dirty martini ready for me as I walk through the door.)
I have my first meeting with him on Wednesday at 11:00a.m. I guess that I’m excited. (As excited as I’m going to be until I find out that he is Hugh Jackman’s long lost twin.) It will be good to know that there is someone listening, whose job is to listen and try their best to “help” me. I only hope that I actually make some progress toward happiness this time around because here lately, I’ve just been feeling that I can’t live like this much longer. That scares me because, I’m not that kind of person, but I’m feeling myself slowly turning into one.
I just hope that he doesn’t think that I’m too crazy. I mean, I really don’t care too much what he thinks as of now. I, well, I know that I’m crazy and that tends to frighten people. Let’s not say “crazy”. I’m not “crazy”. I’m “normal” and every one else is “crazy”. These “crazy” people are confused because I’m “normal” and they just don’t quite know what to think about that! Ha! Ha!
Even The Losers
These are just a few things that were on my mind yesterday and I wanted to put them someplace where I could keep them.
You are so beautiful. I always see your beauty, but today, I was overwhelmed by it. I just glanced up at you while you were getting dressed and noticed your eyes, I mean, really noticed them. It was almost like I’d never seen them before. You truly are a beautiful soul. It comes out of your eyes like rays of light that shine like the sun.
Are all people meant to be happy? How do we know when to settle and when not to? Are the “happy people” that we all aim to be like really happy? Do they just put on a “happy face” for our benefit?
I only miss you when you’re not around.
On my way home yesterday, I was reminded just how grrrreat The Cars Greatest Hits and Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers Damn the Torpedoes are. These are two real good cds, people. Cars make me happy.
The Panic Mouse finally arrived on Friday. It was a total success. Maybe it will keep Tigger too occupied to chew on all cords that are plugged into the wall. (She has never been a BAD cat that chewed on wires, but my how quickly things can change.)
Last night, I dreamed that I lived in New York. The Muppets came to my house and asked me if I could show them around town. (All of them!) Basically, I dreamed that I lived in The Muppets Take Manhattan. Needless to say, it was a fun dream.
How can someone change so drastically? BM has gone from saying, “Never stop thinking, never stop writing,” in 1996 to saying, “I wish that you would do something besides write in that DAMN journal all of the time.” (2004) Pity, isn’t it?
You Are Everything That Is Beautiful To Me...
More Church Signs
I have a few more church signs that I would like to add. I collected them over the holidays when I was out of town in south La. with my family. If you think these are just as entertaining as I do then you need to go to aboyandhiscomputer
. This guy has some funny stuff. He not only has the church signs, he has pictures. Heee! Heee! Enjoy:
God can only forgive sin that has been repented of.
BEHOLD! A virgin shall be with child and bring forth a son.
If you love me show it more in 2004.
He who can not forgive breaks a bridge over which he must cross.
Sin is the problem. Christ is the answer.
Let God be more in 2004.
The only preparation for tomorrow is the right use of today.
Be sure you are pure.
God can make all things new.
The greatest gift of all is Jesus Christ. Have you received him?
Today wise men follow the son.
Celebrate the gift that keeps on giving.
The best vitamin for christians is B-1.
Let's meet at the house before the game.
Let the peace of God rule your heart.
Spend time on things that outlast time.
Jesus is the reason for the season. (I saw so many of these and ones similar to it that I'm only using one of them.)
God is love.
Rejoice I say again I say rejoice.
For the word of the Lord is right and true.
Prayer should be our first response rather than our last resort.
Worship God acceptably with reference and awe.
Jesus is the gift that perfectly fits every heart.
Christmas. Celebrate the birth of Jesus, our savior.
is my 1 month anniversary of having catsinthetub. Isn’t that special? It most certainly is. I set a goal for myself to try and update it daily, but I’m not going to post an entry just for the sake of posting. This should not be a problem for me because I usually have lots to say. I must point out that I’ve written some funny shit so far. Today I went and read all of my old entries. I had NO idea that my life was SO sad. Oh well, Happy Anniversary to me!!
milk is good!! I’m trying to do “good things” for my body so I guess that I should include a calcium intake of some sort. (Other than smoothies) I do take vitamins, but I’ve been told that drinking milk is good for you. (Who’d thought it?) I tried that nasty old “plain” milk and just couldn’t get into it. (Maybe with some Kahlua added, it would be o.k.) I’m now making myself drink a glass of chocolate or strawberry milk every day. Hooray for me!
what’s the deal? Why do people, especially men, think that sex is sooo important? I don’t get it. Don’t get me wrong, I love sex as much as the next guy. It definitely puts a smile on my face, especially when it’s good. But, I don’t sit around bitching and moaning when I’m not getting any.
I know so many men that do this. It’s annoying as hell. What do they think that you’re going to do? Take off all of your clothes, lie down, spread your legs, and say,” come on and do me, I’m here to help.” PLEASE! I’m sure there are some of you out there that screw them just to shut them up. (I used to be that way and it is just bad and sad.)
Sex can be so fantastic. It is very important to have a certain amount of chemistry with your partner. If the chemistry isn’t there, you may as well be fucking a bowl of Jell-O. (Though Jell-O could be fun.) I got me some chemistry, with myself. AHHH!!!
Why do people allow themselves to get so sexually frustrated? Did no one ever teach them the art of masturbation? Why walk around all pissy when you can just LET IT OUT!? I have better sex with myself than I’ve had with most of my boyfriends. There is no wondering what they want, wondering if your doing it right, and you certainly don’t have to worry about his pre-ejaculation. (Sucks, doesn’t it?)
Do you really think of me when you, you know? I think of Hugh Jackman. Ha!
By the way, NO, I do not want you to stick your dick in my chocolate milk.
Thank you, Guy. I do have myself a hot little body. Don’t I?
I need to get back to the gym. Maybe I’ll try and go tomorrow since my date with the flu is finally over. Yippee!
I was listening to the Grateful Dead’s Mars Hotel earlier and Tigger came into the room, sat in my lap, and quickly turned to mush. I swear the cat is a dirty old hippie reincarnated.
Color Me Happy
I swear, people, it takes only the smallest things in life to make me happy. My “Precious,” doesn’t she look all prettified? It only took me 7 hours to figure out that I could simply go into my template and type in whatevah color that I wanted and it would appear. How freaking wonderful is that? I don’t know how to link, post photos, or even get my comments to work, but man oh! Man! I feel like an ART-IST!!! How sad is this? This has genuinely made me happy. Sad, indeed!! At least my “Precious” looks more beautiful than evah!! I’m seeking professional help next week. I need someone to walk me through all of this bullshit because I’m computer illiterate.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. I was once ugly too and it SUCKED!! (The girl figured out color and you’d think that she was just crowned freaking Miss America or something. No! No! Miss UNIVERSE!) At least now, I can change my color to match my mood. I guess I should go back and “paint it black.”
I guess that someone read my entry Grrrrrr…
where I was bitching about my “so called” friends because I’ve gotten more phone calls today from “concerned” friends than ever. Ha! Ha! You all fell for it!! Hee! Hee! All kidding aside, PS, I love you and could never be mad at you. You are the one man in my life that is not going anywhere anytime soon. (If you even try, I’ll be forced to hunt you down and kick you square in the nuts!!)
The ULTIMATE personality test
I went to quizilla.com
while playing with “Precious” and found that they have all kinds of stuff over there. They have quizzes, tests, etc. I took the ULTIMATE personality test and these are my results:
You are the Innocent of the personality types. Cute and almost childlike in your behavior and moods, which can be sunny one minute and stormy the next, you probably have a lot of friends that are drawn to your imaginative and fun loving nature.
You are direct and honest in your opinions, if a little blunt. A well adjusted Aesthete is cute and flirty but some of you stay too innocent for too long. Your naiveté attracts people but be careful not to get taken advantage of.
Is that me or what? Of course, I’m the trait that is CUTE. I’ve said this all of my life, but Smurfs are cute! I wanna be SEXY! I guess that is better than it saying, “Oh my God! You suck. You are the SHITTIEST of all the traits.” I don’t believe in all of this crap, but it is fun to see what you are labeled as being. Personally, I think that I ‘m more of an Exhibitionist or a Masochist.
No You Didn't
Yeea ah did ya’ know what I’m sayin’? Awww muh God yall, wanna learn Ebonics? Go to www.joel.net/EBONICS/translator.asp.
(If I knew how to link it and actually get it to work for me, I would.) Try and see. If you go there click on Funny Stuff; then go to Clinton’s Apology Speech. The beginning is good for a laugh or two. You can also learn how to say “Happy Mother’s Day” or “I love you” in an oh so special kind of way. I just happened upon this website when I wanted to learn the proper way to say,”Oh no, you didn’t” in Ebonics. I really didn’t expect anything to come up. I originally expected my “Precious” to up and start cursing me at the thought, but clearly she did not. There are thousands of websites that are just about Ebonics. Let me go ahead and apologize if I offend anyone with this, but that is just fucking hilarious to me. Ebonics, is this language really suppose to be taken seriously or is it just a terribly funny joke made to be enjoyed by silly little white girls like myself? I’ve gone on about it enough and managed to forget what I was here to talk about. (All while making myself sound like a stupid racist idiot from Mississippi) Well, I’m not and if you think that, then you obviously were not informed, but "I’m the nicest fucking person that I know!"
Oh yeah that’s it! I’m a member. I’m officially a member of the QVC club or something like that. I’ve never, never, never ordered anything from these people before and often find myself making fun of the people that do. (Like my mother) This is how it happened. A friend called and the conversation went something like:
Friend: “Are you watching TV?”
NN: “No. I’m on my “Precious.”
Friend: “You’ve got to put it on QVC quick.”
NN: “O.k. Hold on.”
NN: “I’m there. What in the hell is this?”
Friend: “It is called the Panic Mouse and I think that Tigger will just love it.”
NN: “Of course she will. Gotta go. I’ll call you back.”
It is a freaking machine that sits on the floor and plays with your cat for a small payment of $30.33. It has multiple settings on it. It is kinda like one of those fishing poles with the mouse on it. You can make it go fast, slow, up and down, back and forth, or anything else that your kitty might desire. It looks like a big yellow blender with mouse ears on it. I can’t wait for Tigger to get all cracked out on this toy. (Maybe finally, I can use my massager in peace. I swear every time I turn it on, the cat comes running. This makes it extremely hard for me to take care of business.)
I’m just trying to think of this purchase as a piece of exercise equipment for my cat. (Seeing that I’m way to lazy to play with her for free.) It’s not like she doesn’t have toys. Tigger has more toys than most small children that I know; I’m not exaggerating at all. I am, indeed, one of those weird pet owners that buy them EVERYTHING. Rarely do I ever go to a pet store and find something that Tigger doesn’t already have. I’ve just started buying her kid toys. (You know like the ones those humans use.)
I’m hoping that this toy will help whip my slightly over weight kitty into shape. Screw the New Year’s Eve resolution diets for people. Those simply DO NOT work. You know it as well as I. (Besides, I’m not fat. Lately, I’ve been told that I’m a bit too skinny.) Why not make a resolution that you can keep? In 2004 I want Tigger to loose 2lbs. Go ahead and smoke your cigarettes, eat your meat, drink EVERYTHING, do what or who you like, and don’t worry about exercising. Leave the hard shit to the pets!
I still can’t get over the fact that I ordered something from QVC. This depression thing better not turn me into some whiny old bitch that sits at home eating bon-bons, playing on her “Precious,” ordering out because she’s just too damn lazy to leave the house, (Besides, that would take effort and that I do not have.) all while ordering unwanted and unneeded bullshit off of QVC for HER CAT!!!
There is no “real” entry today. I feel like speaking what is on my mind as only I can do. (I’ve got STRONG opinions, or so I’ve been told.) I will not write it out first or proofread it 100 times. I’m just not in the mood to be very productive today.
As you know, I’ve been in quite a mood here lately. I’ve been so damn depressed. I’m not really sure what exactly triggered these emotions in me. I mean, I can’t EVER have what I want out of life. SURPRISE! SURPRISE! Why now is this bothering me so very much?
I’m not eating, I’m not sleeping, and I’m not doing too much of anything besides playing on my “Precious.” Screw love and happiness and all of that bull shit! I’ve got my COM-PEW-TAH!!! I really don’t need you, now do I? (If anyone replies that I do, indeed, need someone in my life, so help me God, I’ll kick your ass!) I’m starting to like the life of a non-social hermit. This is a whole new experience for me and I will embrace it to the best of my ability.
Anyhow, my mood has gone from sad and depressed to angry and quite bitchy. I’m starting to think that all people suck. (Even the ones that I normally like, they suck too.) I’m just so damn sick of “fake” people. (You know who you are.) These people keep pretending that they care for me. They say things like, “Oh, Sweetie, I’ll be there if you need me. Just call me.” Alright, so I do, and its then like,” I don’t think that I can right now. I’ve got other plans, sorry.” Well then, you f**ker, why in the hell did you tell me to call in the first place? Trust me, it certainly won’t happen again.
Why am I getting pissed off at my “so called” friends for trying to live their own lives? I’m not a baby. I don’t need a sitter. By the way I’ve been acting lately, I’m sure that there are those of you who would beg to differ. I guess that I’m jealous to see other people happy. I guess that I’m also upset by my recent findings that, no; I’m not the center of the universe. For 28 years, I’ve had NO idea. Why didn’t someone tell me before?
I’m only hoping that this funk I’m in will evolve into a very productive phase of life. Maybe I can finally start on those many paintings that I have in my head. (I want to do my first nude that is not a self portrait.) I just need a model. How hard is that? “Hey guy, will you come back to my place and get naked or nude for me?” I’m sure that if I put my mind to it, I can find a male with a super huge ego to pose for me. (I just hope that he’s pretty and has a nice package, nice arms, nice ass, grrrreat abs, oh, oh, oh and has that whole hip bone thing going on. That's my FAV-O-RITE!!) Thinking on this more, I will probably be better of with a model that I can take total advantage of if I feel it necessary. This sounds like a good opportunity for some good old fashioned, messy, sticky, dirty, sinfully delightful SEX. Hey, it's art and who am I to interfere with the process of art?
To my friends that may be reading, (or not, because you have lives and I don’t) I’m not mad at you. I don’t hate you. I only hate you today, but I’m sure by tomorrow this bipolar bear will feel tee-totally different.
Damn! Shit! F**k! I’ve said a few curse words today. Just think I’ve been trying to be all lady-like by not using profanity. Fuck it! If you don’t like it, go home. It’s my journal, not yours!!!!
A Troubled Soul Indeed
Love, you are one who gives me a reason to breathe.
Your touch, your smile, your laugh, your cry, and the way you say, “I love you.” Everything about you!
I will never again take you for granted.
Little things are nothing, until they are gone.
But now, I will thank God every day for giving them back to me.
I will thank God for you.
I am so lucky to be fortunate enough to love someone like you,
But even luckier that you love me too.
I wrote that one back in 1995 when I was 19. This was one of the first poetic things that I ever wrote. I was excited to find it in an old journal while moving.
I am in a field, a field of flowers, but there is this one, it is the most beautiful flower that I’ve ever seen.
It relieves me.
This flower so beautiful puts my heart and soul at ease.
I want to take this flower with me, to my world.
If I do, it will die, in my world.
So instead, I will love it in my heart only.
When the reality, in my world, is too much I will close my eyes and visit my loving flower.
I did this one back in 1996. It was meant to be about a love that could not be. I guess that it still holds true today.
Simple things smiling at me, holding my hand, kissing my neck, rubbing my head, and wanting me.
Simple things just being in my life.
Simple things not appreciated.
Simple things that are even nerve racking.
Simple things that I never saw before.
Oh, how I long to see these simple things again.
Don’t really know what that one was about or who it was for, but I guess I like it.
I like that these poems are from my youth. I also wrote this one in 1996.
NO! What word could be lonelier?
NO! Two letters, one vowel, one syllable
NO! No such other word hates so much to be heard
NO! What word could be lonelier I ask you?
NO! I do know a lonelier word.
It is love, to me, it is the loneliest word of all, but even lonelier are two words:
This one was written back in 1997 when I was so “in love” with the wrong guy.( The wrong guy that ran off and married one of my best friends) They divorced 3 months later and he wanted me back, but no, I’m a romantic, but not a f***ing idiot!
I think that it is funny to look back on my “poetry” from years ago, it seems that I’ve always been a troubled soul.
Your A Very Bad Girl, NN, Kinda Pathetic Too
Just a little note here to let myself know how very disappointed that I am in, well, myself. I am officially smoking again! I have been smoking since Saturday. I did not smoke Sunday. I thought that I wasn't smoking because I did not want or need to. I was wrong. I was not smoking because I was hung over and afraid that a cigarette would only make me vomit or worse. (There are lots of things that make me want to vomit. All of which I will share with you on another day.) Anyway, Sunday night I started to feel better so I began to smoke again. (I was watching CM smoke and it looked sooo satisfying that I had to have one.) That one cigarette quickly turned into one pack which has turned into two packs, well you get the picture. I do not plan on smoking daily again. I WILL QUIT!! I have the flu and for some strange reason, a cigarette makes me feel like I can hack up most of that shit that has built up in my chest and yes, it IS helping. Don't judge me, damn it!
I must also point out to myself how absolutely pathetic that I was when my computer was broken. I lied in the bed and stared at it like it were a sick relative. (The sad part is that I am happier on this freaking computer than I am with most people these days.) Sad, NN, very, very sad! It is giving me something to do with my time rather than sit around feeling sorry for myself because life simply doesn't go my way. You know what, it never has. Why should I be so damn upset about it now? Really, things have never been too terribly easy for me. I have never really been too happy with anyone. (Friends, lovers, anyone) I think that I simply put up with my totally disfunctional family because, well, because they ARE my family. I just keep thinking that one fine day I will indeed be happy. I guess that it is hard to believe it when in all of my nearly 28 years on this planet (Yes, I'm orginally from Mars.) I've never been really happy. I've just been really sad. I try so f***ing hard to gain everyone's love and approval that I think I make it extra hard on myself. Oh well, if it never happens, I will live. I've been doing it a long time. Why should I stop now?
Here lately I’ve been feeling more bipolar than ever. My moods and emotions have been up and down. They elevate extremely high then in a matter of minutes, they crash as low as they can get. I feel like I’m going crazy. I’m loving life one minute. I’m full of energy, excitement, love, life, and promise. In the very next breath, I am ready to assume the fetal position, cry like a baby, a give up on everything. Then the mood turns into anger. I have been a total f***ing bitch to those that I love today simply because they showed concern for me. (The nerve of them! I’m not that kind of person at all. I’m nice, sweet, and always full of love. I’m the nicest f***ing person that I know!)
Damn! I’m one angry little bitch today, but I’m sure by the time I get around to typing this, I’ll be in a totally different mood. (Yes, extremely sad and crying once again, who would have thought?)
I don’t understand how I can do this. Yes, I’ve been diagnosed as a bipolar/manic depressive type over ten years ago. I used to take medication for this. I’ve been put on Prozac, Zoloft, Depakote, Remeron, Paxil, and Wellbutrin. I always took Xanax along with whatever “new drug” they had me on at the time. (I’ve been known to have some God awful anxiety attacks!) My psychiatrist put me on Xanax when I was 15 years old. (After going through some rough times, basically I was a teenage girl in love with the wrong guy. Sound familiar?) I quickly became dependant on them. It is quite easy to take a pill and forget all of your problems. Actually, it is too easy. That is exactly what I did for damn near 10 years. (I was a walking zombie.)
I went through a traumatic experience that changed my life. I was raped on my 23rd birthday and put on even more medication to help “deal with it.” It only made me even more of a zombie than I already was. (Damn! I’ve been in la-la land for most of my adult life. Never realized it!) Finally one day after taking all of my meds, (including an extra eighty 1mg Xanax, freaking 80! I was stressed, or so I thought.) and still shaking like a leaf while trying desperately to put in my 10 hours at one of the local Pier 1 Imports. I stopped all meds. I mean ALL! I figured since I’d been taking so many Xanax and still felt stressed, why take them? That was bullshit! I went home after work and got every damn pill bottle of poison that I was prescribed, opened them, and flushed every one of those little bastards down the toilet. (This was the one good thing that resulted from being sexually assaulted.) These drugs had turned me into such a zombie that my Mom could have gotten run down by an eighteen wheeler and squashed like a bug and my response would have been something like, “Damn, that’s too bad.” I guess instead of having ragingly crazy emotions, I had NO emotions. Which is better? I’m starting to wonder.
I did very well for years. I took no drugs. (Not daily anyway.) Then about a year and a half ago, I made a big move. I was in a small town with no family, no friends, no job, no hobbies, (except my journal) and knew only BM. I sought therapy once again. My doctor quickly put me on Wellbutrin and back on Xanax. Xanax, imagine that, NN on Xanax. Go figure! Once again, I was dependant on that little blue pill.
Now it has been about 3 months that I’ve not been dependant and I feel crazy. I like the fact that I feel in control of my life again. Do I just FEEL in control or am I actually IN control? I don’t know for sure, but I do know that I am extremely frustrated. What to do! What to do!
It kills me that in the past 5 days I’ve experienced almost every emotion possible. Saturday I was terribly, terribly happy. (Almost too happy, know that feeling?) My face hurt from smiling and laughing at CM and PS so much. They showed me lots of love this weekend, thanks guys! Sunday, I felt happy, hung over, and much loved. All in all, it was a grrrreat day. This past weekend was probably one of my best ever, if not the best, and yes, it was long over due. So may I ask you, how did I feel so sad on Monday? I still feel like someone has died or something far worse. Tuesday I just wrote in my journal, cried, and felt very sick. On top of my raging emotions, I have a stomach bug and the flu. (Fun, huh?) Talk about a good week and today is only Wednesday. I’m wondering if I’ll make it to Friday.
Anyway, the point of all of this nonsense is that I find myself wondering, is this just a part of my illness or do I really need to be on medication of some kind? I know that medicine would help control my moods, but doesn’t everyone have mood swings? Isn’t this all just a painful part of life? Who in the hell am I to decide? It just seems ridiculous to me to HAVE to take a f***ing pill everyday just to feel “normal.”
If anyone out there has the answers, and I know that you don’t, share them DAMN IT!!
(I know that I said in my last entry that I would update daily. I intend to. Yesterday my computer was in the same mood that I was in and not letting me do a damn thing!)
Unbreak My Heart
I set a goal for myself that I would try to update you at least once a day, so here goes. I am really sad today. I almost feel numb. It is like I am empty because my heart is broken or gone or something!? I want to love someone so badly. I feel that I have a lot of love to give, but no one to properly accept it. When I feel this way I can fill up a journal. I went to Barnes and Noble yesterday and brought 4 journals. I will be there this evening. When I am this sad my writing is so depressing that you would think that I were crazy and start to worry so I'd rather not share.
Congrats to my LSU Tigers for kicking some Sooner ass yesterday!! I love that the team that I grew up loving and will always love has won the National Championship. I had a wonderful time watching this game with someone who, I think, felt the same. Yesterday was one that I will never forget. I will visit it in the computer of my mind often and it will make me happy! I only wish that I could feel that good every day. I felt special, loved, and yes, I felt pretty.
Will I ever feel that happy again? I sure hope so. Rub my head, kiss my neck, and let me know.
What A Long Strange Trip It's Been
Thank Goddess that the holidays are over. I’m finally home and have no where that I have drive to. I’ve driven over 3,000 miles since the week of Christmas. Needless to say, there is no road trip in my near future.
Let me tell you about my trip to south Louisiana. (Coon Ass Country) When my Mom asked me to go to De Ridder, she told me that it would take about 4 hours to get there. NOT! It took 7 hours. I didn’t mind much because HH rode with me. This gave us a chance to do some sisterly bonding. We listened to chic cd’s like Air Supply, Neil Diamond, Bee Gees, Sarah McLachlan, and Bob Segar. (Of course we sang along, wouldn’t you?)
On New Year’s Eve we really had no plans. My Mom and I found a Grand Casino while out looking for crawfish. We said that we’d maybe go there if we felt like doing something. Anyway, a friend of my mother’s was staying in the room next to ours and told us that we should go to the Delta Downs Casino because it was closer than the Grand which was 45 minutes away. Ms. Marty said, “Oh, D.D. is just right down the street.”
At about 10pm, while watching The Twilight Zone marathon on Sci-Fi, Mom asked if I felt like checking out this casino. Sure, I said because neither of us had done anything on New Year’s Eve in years. Why not? We’ll surely have a good time! We got dressed and were on our way.
First of all, the Hwy we had to drive on was two lanes and very dark with no street lights. Mom said that it looked like “Deliverance” meets “Children of the Corn”. I agreed, but also with a little “Sleepy Hollow” thrown in to capture that extra creepy look. Then my Mom says that she has to pee. (She pees a lot because she only has one kidney and drinks beer like a fish!) I was so creeped out by where we were that I begged her to hold it and please don’t pull over. Mom said, “yeah, what if a big black bear comes out of the woods or something?” I said, “Shit! I’d welcome a bear. I just don’t want to see a person come walking out of the woods.” I told my Mom that it was like one of those horror movies where you’re in the middle of nowhere and suddenly someone is standing in the middle of the road trying to get you to stop. I asked Mom what she would do if that happened and she replied, “I’d run over their ass and turn them into a speed bump!”
About an hour into our trip we saw that the sky was bright orange about 5 miles down the road. Maybe someone was shooting fireworks or something; after all it’s New Year’s Eve. No, it’s a freaking forest fire! A forest fire!! What in the hell? At least 20 acres were blazing. I mean, this was like one of those California fires that you see on the news. This was by far one of the craziest things that I’ve ever seen, but I must say it was quite pretty. I’d never seen such a big fire up close and personal. I tried to call 911, but of course our phones didn’t work and neither did the On Star; there were no houses to stop at and call 911. (None that you wouldn’t be scared shitless to go and knock on the door of.) About 10 miles down, we came to a gas station where my Mom could finally pee and we could tell someone about the fire. There was a cop there and I told him about the fire. He started talking on his walkie-talkie thing and hauled ass away. I assumed that he was going to get help to put this fire out.
Mom asked the lady that worked at the gas station if we were close to this damn casino. She told us how to get there and said it’s not far away at all. We debated turning around. But, at this point in time, we were hell bent on checking out the fabulous D.D.
Many wrong turns later, we finally arrive at the casino at about 12:45pm. It looks o.k. on the outside. We park the truck and get ready to go inside, finally!! When Mom opened her car door, she had to watch her step because of the puke on the ground. (I love real life foreshadowing!) When we walk in, we see about a 1000 people in a space that should hold no more than 500. I think that the ones that were not smoking were handed cigarettes as they came through the door. It had no table games, it smelled bad, and the restroom was disgusting, (I pissed standing up, really! I hate, hate, hate public restrooms enough and hate these situations.) and the creepiest looking people that I’d ever seen were there. It looked like they had let all of their local prisoners out to celebrate New Year’s Eve. They were staring at us like they had never seen a woman before or we had antennas growing from our heads, something like that. We didn’t even look our best. (No make-up, hair in pony tails, and wearing jump suits) My Mom put 20 dollars in a slot machine, lost it, and was ready to leave. Already! I couldn’t believe it. (This behavior coming from a woman that can party ALL night long.) I was more than ready. We were there for all of 30 minutes, but damn it, we found that God forsaken place.
On the way back to our hotel, we saw that we were low on gas. There was no gas station in sight that had diesel. We had to go an extra 30 miles out of the way to get gas. While on our way, we see that the forest fire I was telling you about was still burning and had gotten much bigger. Why does this not surprise me?
We finally get back to the room and my Mom told me that this was definitely one New Year’s Eve that she would never forget. Neither would I. I guess that you could call it a bonding experience. I must say, I think I had more fun in the car than I would have had being at the casinos all night. My Mom and I haven’t really had much time alone to just hang out in a while. It was nice and for that I am thankful. I wuv my Mommy.
Just A Little Sumptin'
I have a lot of entries that I need to post as soon as I can. I have new church signs, new year's eve, and I also found all of my old journals from 1989-1994. It will be funny. I will update these on January 8th. I am in the process of moving and it is hell. Well PS and I are fixing to go get drunk. Life is sooo difficult. T.T.F.N.