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Thursday, January 08, 2004
  Bipolar Bear
Here lately I’ve been feeling more bipolar than ever. My moods and emotions have been up and down. They elevate extremely high then in a matter of minutes, they crash as low as they can get. I feel like I’m going crazy. I’m loving life one minute. I’m full of energy, excitement, love, life, and promise. In the very next breath, I am ready to assume the fetal position, cry like a baby, a give up on everything. Then the mood turns into anger. I have been a total f***ing bitch to those that I love today simply because they showed concern for me. (The nerve of them! I’m not that kind of person at all. I’m nice, sweet, and always full of love. I’m the nicest f***ing person that I know!)

Damn! I’m one angry little bitch today, but I’m sure by the time I get around to typing this, I’ll be in a totally different mood. (Yes, extremely sad and crying once again, who would have thought?)

I don’t understand how I can do this. Yes, I’ve been diagnosed as a bipolar/manic depressive type over ten years ago. I used to take medication for this. I’ve been put on Prozac, Zoloft, Depakote, Remeron, Paxil, and Wellbutrin. I always took Xanax along with whatever “new drug” they had me on at the time. (I’ve been known to have some God awful anxiety attacks!) My psychiatrist put me on Xanax when I was 15 years old. (After going through some rough times, basically I was a teenage girl in love with the wrong guy. Sound familiar?) I quickly became dependant on them. It is quite easy to take a pill and forget all of your problems. Actually, it is too easy. That is exactly what I did for damn near 10 years. (I was a walking zombie.)

I went through a traumatic experience that changed my life. I was raped on my 23rd birthday and put on even more medication to help “deal with it.” It only made me even more of a zombie than I already was. (Damn! I’ve been in la-la land for most of my adult life. Never realized it!) Finally one day after taking all of my meds, (including an extra eighty 1mg Xanax, freaking 80! I was stressed, or so I thought.) and still shaking like a leaf while trying desperately to put in my 10 hours at one of the local Pier 1 Imports. I stopped all meds. I mean ALL! I figured since I’d been taking so many Xanax and still felt stressed, why take them? That was bullshit! I went home after work and got every damn pill bottle of poison that I was prescribed, opened them, and flushed every one of those little bastards down the toilet. (This was the one good thing that resulted from being sexually assaulted.) These drugs had turned me into such a zombie that my Mom could have gotten run down by an eighteen wheeler and squashed like a bug and my response would have been something like, “Damn, that’s too bad.” I guess instead of having ragingly crazy emotions, I had NO emotions. Which is better? I’m starting to wonder.

I did very well for years. I took no drugs. (Not daily anyway.) Then about a year and a half ago, I made a big move. I was in a small town with no family, no friends, no job, no hobbies, (except my journal) and knew only BM. I sought therapy once again. My doctor quickly put me on Wellbutrin and back on Xanax. Xanax, imagine that, NN on Xanax. Go figure! Once again, I was dependant on that little blue pill.

Now it has been about 3 months that I’ve not been dependant and I feel crazy. I like the fact that I feel in control of my life again. Do I just FEEL in control or am I actually IN control? I don’t know for sure, but I do know that I am extremely frustrated. What to do! What to do!

It kills me that in the past 5 days I’ve experienced almost every emotion possible. Saturday I was terribly, terribly happy. (Almost too happy, know that feeling?) My face hurt from smiling and laughing at CM and PS so much. They showed me lots of love this weekend, thanks guys! Sunday, I felt happy, hung over, and much loved. All in all, it was a grrrreat day. This past weekend was probably one of my best ever, if not the best, and yes, it was long over due. So may I ask you, how did I feel so sad on Monday? I still feel like someone has died or something far worse. Tuesday I just wrote in my journal, cried, and felt very sick. On top of my raging emotions, I have a stomach bug and the flu. (Fun, huh?) Talk about a good week and today is only Wednesday. I’m wondering if I’ll make it to Friday.

Anyway, the point of all of this nonsense is that I find myself wondering, is this just a part of my illness or do I really need to be on medication of some kind? I know that medicine would help control my moods, but doesn’t everyone have mood swings? Isn’t this all just a painful part of life? Who in the hell am I to decide? It just seems ridiculous to me to HAVE to take a f***ing pill everyday just to feel “normal.”

If anyone out there has the answers, and I know that you don’t, share them DAMN IT!!

(I know that I said in my last entry that I would update daily. I intend to. Yesterday my computer was in the same mood that I was in and not letting me do a damn thing!)
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Just go ahead and read, afterall, did no one tell you that I'm the nicest fucking person that I know?! You can email me at catsinthetub@hotmail.com, go ahead, make my day!

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