Rest in Peace
Ms. Tigger and I on the happiest day...
Happy Easter everyone!!! I'm at my parent's house. We just had lunch and now I'm glued to their computer. I forgot my journal at home. Trust me, there are lots more pages to be typed to finish the Tigger Chronicles.
I just wanted to let eveyone know that I'm doing about as well as I can. I still cry everyday and miss the hell out of her, but there is nothing that I can do about it. I feel her with me and I do know (after a very sweet email) that she loved me very, very much!
I went to see Dr. MM 2 weeks ago. He told me that he thought that I needed a new cat. He said that I was very loving and needed someone to love. Anyhew, that brings me to the story of "The Godfather". After I left my doc's apt, I went and picked up my meds. I then found myself in PetSmart. I then found myself looking at pets that were up for adoption. I was like, "wtf am I doing back here? Nothing in there is going to make me happy! Why am I here?" I walked into the little room where they have the animals. As I was walking, this cat reached through the cage and grabbed my leg as he let out a very light MEOW! I was like, "hey there, buddy!" I then started to pet him through the cage. I then asked one of the workers if I could hold him. When I was holding him, I felt this overwhelming feeling that Tigger was there with me telling me that it was ok and she approved. He was the first cat that I've touched since I last touched Miss Tigger. That alone was a big step.
Anyhew, the adoption was 60 dollars and the grooming was 40. He needed to be groomed. (He was stinky!!!) I didn't have the funds to get him that day. I said that hopefully, he'd still be there when I got paid and then I could come back for him. I got home and quickly called my Mom and HH to tell them about "this cat". They said that that was sooo weird b/c they were there the day before and almost got him for me, but didn't know if I was ready or not. Needless to say, 2 angels blessed me with their presence and said to me that they heard that there was this cat at PetSmart that I must have and gave me the cash for him.
His name is Brando. He is a 5 year old black male with long beautiful hair. He was rescued from an abusive household. We are both still getting to know eachother. I do know one thing, Mr. Brando will NEVER EVER have to worry about being abused EVER again. I love him. I don't love him like I love Tigger, but that will come in time. He's a funny little guy (not little, he weighs 12lbs.). He's afraid of his own shadow. He doesn't like his reflection in the mirror. Miss Tigger could sit and look at herself for hours, but you all know that she was all girlie in that way. I had NO idea how different male cats were than females. First of all, he is one needy baby. If I'm home, he's in my lap or right next to me. If I even get up to pee, he comes along. Second, he eats like 2 huge bowls of food a day. (eat away, baby, I want you healthy!) Third, he shits like a German Shephard, no shit. The first night he came home, he went and took a poop and it literally woke me up b/c it smelled sooo bad. I went to scoop and it looked like a dog had been in there. On that note, I think that I should head home to change his box before it starts raining AGAIN!!!
Scoop the Poop, several times a day when you have a dog dressed as a cat!!!
More Tigger Chronicles
We just made it to Biloxi. Our Room is very nice. It has a huge window that you can sit in with a beautiful view of the ocean. Yes, it's purdy! Maybe this little trip will help me keep my mind off of Tigger. At least for an hour or two?
We just got back from a walk down the pier. We're now fixing to go swimming and get in the hot tub. fun! I guess that I'm having a good time, but I just can't get Tigger out of my head. I just keep thinking that on tuesday that I'm going to pick her up, not her ashes! I feel like I'm loosing it here.
I've been awake for about 2 hours now. I'm just sitting here looking out the window. I know I should be like, "Oh, it's sooo nice out there. I must get dressed right now and go outside!" All the while, I'm really thinking, my Tigger is gone, for real. My baby is gone and I don't know what I'm going to do w/o her. I should be all excited that I'm going to be hearing the beautiful music of Willie Nelson in less than 10 hours, but NO, all I can think is that I simply can't believe she's gone. I really think that I've got myself convinced that on tuesday that I'm picking her up. I really think I'm going to fall to pieces when I'm handed her urn thingy. For that is where Miss Tigger will be. GOD! I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm never again going to be able to snuggle with her or hold her in my lap. I miss her sooo fucking much! I feel like my life is over. Why Damn It? WHY?
11amTears Of A Clown
I'm sitting by the pool getting some fresh ocean air while having a smoke and a Bud Light! Yeah! I was just getting my journal ready and I saw my Tigger pics. I have them in there b/c when I get home tomorrow, I'm going to have them all made into 4x6's where I can change them out on her urn thingy. Oh My God!
Anyhew, I just saw one and immediately felt anxious. My mood ring turned black. (it's pretty much been black since monday) I'm getting to the point where I can't even look at them w/o crying, but for some reason, I want to look at them. I just don't know what to do. I'm fixing to start crying and I didn't bring any tissue down here. Gotta go now. I'm just going to sit here and finish my beer and try to feel her presence in this beautiful setting that I am in.
We've been back from Willie for a few hours now. It was, as always, amazing! I got a really cool poster and a t-shirt. We didn't make it to see Willie, but, I was like, "Oh well, been there, done that..." I swear to you, all I have on my mind is getting back to Jackson and getting my photos made. I want them ready for tuesday. I pick her up and want to make sure that I have plenty to choose from.
I'm starting to get a headache, OUCH! I think that I might walk outside and enjoy the nice ocean air and a cigarette. Willie was fucking cool as hell. He sang a few old songs that I've never heard him play live before. That was cool!!!
We got back home at about 11am. I went and had the pics made for tomorrow. I just keep thinking that I'm going to pick her up from the vet or something. I have NO idea how this is going to affect me.
Anyhew, when I got home, I decided to unpack and clean my room. You know, hang up all of the clothes that I've been looking for like forever, but they've been burried underneath everything on my loveseat. I got unpacked and cleaned off a "Tigger spot" on my dresser. I wanted to have a nice place for her to be when she comes home. It has 9 pics in kitty frames and 5 or 6 or 60 just laying around with some of her favorite toys. I have 3 red glass candle holders in the back. I guess it's nice. I've never done this before. Oh, and it has her kitty footprints in a clay mold that's shaped like a cat. My friend, KS got that for me for X-mas 2years ago. I'm ever so glad that she did. I remember putting her little paws in there. She was not happy at all, but now I have her little paw prints forever. Thank you, KS. I love you! Looking back now, that's one of the greatest things anyone has ever gotten for me.
When I was hanging everything up, I found Miss Tigger's sweater. (one of them, the one she wore the most) I freaked. I just started crying my eyes out. It still smells like her. I even took a nap with it earlier. When I was hanging up clothes, I needed more hangers. I have tons of them behind my screen. When I was back there trying my damnest to get them out of the fucking back, I could smell where her litter box was. I smelled fucking cat litter, people, and burst into tears. I had the tv on earlier, don't know why? Oh, the weather was bad. I saw a freaking Whiskas commercial and started crying. I then just had to go and sit on the floor of my bedroom and look at my shrine to the fabulous Miss Tigger.
When I got home earlier, there was a video tape sitting on the chair in the livingroom. It said "Miss Tigger Video 2-26-05." PS had put it on a vhs for me. That was sooo sweet of him. I've watched it several times and must say that, yes, I will watch it again. My God, PS, Thank You sooo fucking much for coming home early that day to make this video. For it was less than 48hours later, she was gone to kitty heaven.
*I've got more to post, but just can't do it right now.*
That's how I feel right now, lost. I really don't know what to even say. I just thought that if I write about Tigger, I'd feel better. I got a few hours sleep last night thanks to Ambien. I swear to you that when I was typing the longest post ever last night, that I reached for my lap to rub Tigger. You know that would be exactly where she'd be if she were here. If I was home, she was either in my lap or napping under the covers with me. I don't know what to do. She was my everything. I know that I'm going to totally freak when I get those ashes on tues. I think that is when I'm REALLY going to loose it. Then, it will all be too real. She's really not coming home! Her ashes are, but not her princess personality. Oh My God! I'm hurting sooo fucking bad that I simply can't feel. Did I tell you that I had her favorite toy "Ms. Kitten" with her to be cremated?
I think I'm loosing it. I cut off some of her fur. Don't ask why, but I did and I'm carrying it (along with 2 of her favorite toys). I've even got her brush sealed up air tight in an air tight bag where I can smell her. She always smelled like a mixture of my perfume, baby powder, and cat litter. Ha. Ha.
If I could have her back, I'd change that litter box with my fucking mouth. I swear! I miss her and I really don't know what to do b/c "it" really hasn't kicked in and I'm already this bad. I guess this is to be expected. I mean I had her put to rest on mon. and it's only thurs. I just keep listening to our cd and looking at pictures of her. God, please help me here b/c I REALLY don't know what in the fuck to do!
I'm leaving in the morning to see Willie Nelson and I just don't really care. You all know how much I love, love, love him. I should be looking foward to this, but I just want to lay in bed and do nothing. I just want to snuggle with my baby one last time, BUT I FUCKING CAN'T!!! It's just not fair. Have I not had enough heartache in my life? I've lost a brother and a sister, many close friends, and now the bestest of all is gone. I'm sooo numb. I can't stop crying, but yet, I'm kinda catatonic. I'm loosing it, I'm sure. I will no longer end my posts with Scoop the Poop... For, now I have no poop to scoop. I'll just say that you can read me later if you want, if not than Fuck Off and go elsewhere.
*I started writing everything about Tigger in her very own journal, since our computer is broken. I'm at my parent's house. I'm going to type in the order that they were written. Here goes the most depressing post ever. Don't say I didn't warn you!*
As you all know Miss Tigger has been sick lately. Basically, when she came home from the hospital, she was fine. Unfortunately, it doesn't last. She hasn't been eating. She's drinking and pissing and that's great and all, but I NEED her to eat and give me a big nasty turd! I'd give just about anything for that right now.
My Mom was suspossed to come and pick Miss T up and take her to Dr.NNNN for her last treatment. I'm not going to watch her suffer. OOOH, Deep breath!!! I'm going to have to pick out the most beautiful urn for her. I've decided to have her put to sleep on 3-12. (day after my b'day) Yeah! Happy Fucking Birthday to me!!! It's going to be the last one we share. Oh my God! Holy Fucking Shit Ass Hell, WHY? Why take the one true person/being that I have in my life? WHY?
Oh and when Mom and HH were on their way to pick up Miss T, they got a phone call from the trainer. HH's horse (Rocky) had got him leg stuck in the fence and broke his bone very, very, badly. They had to put him to sleep. I feel sooo sorry for HH b/c she and Rocky had a crazy special bond. What in the hell is this? Do pets die in threes? Who's next? Wait! Danny's goat died last week. Crazy!!!
I swear that I was sitting here earlier and Miss T was sitting next to me. I could tell that she wanted in my lap. I picked her up and just held her close and pet her. I looked her right in her beautiful eyes and asked her if she knew how very much I loved her. Looking into her eyes, I could definitely tell that she knew exactly how much I loved her. OH MY GOD!!! What in the fuck am I going to do w/o my Tigger? She's all I have. Who's going to snuggle with me, get mad when I light up a smoke, and get fur ALL over everything I own?Who's going to love me no matter what? I've got to go now and spend some time with my baby. People, I really don't know how I'm going to react about the whole situation. I guess we'll just have to wait and see!
I've been home since about 11pm. I've just been brushing her for like an hour now. I decided to write, of course, she had to be in my lap for that. So, I'm rubbing her and trying to write. All while slowly turning into an alcoholic.
For some reason, "it" (Tigger leaving me) REALLY kicked in today and I totally freaked the fuck out! I called our old vet. I told him everything. (Tigger had gone to him for 9 years, but he got a little expensive. Don't get me wrong, he's a great vet and a wonderful human being.) He basically agreed w/ everything and said that her treatment was basically like dialysis. He said that it would only get worse. He then said that he knew it was going to be sooo hard to let her go, afterall, she's only 11. He did tell me that there is a place here called Best Friends that cremates and has urns. When he told me that, I think that at that very moment "IT" totally fucking kicked in. I need to get up in the morning, hopefully make a Tigger video, get her ready for Mom (grandma), and then make funeral arrangements! Oh Holy Shit! Is this a freaking nightmare? Someone, PLEASE wake me up! How will I ever wear black w/o cat fur all over it? I just won't! What am I going to do w/o cat hair in my chapstick? What am I going to do when she's not there to stare at me like I'm going to hell for smoking? (Though, when I smoke inside, I usually go in the bathroom. I stay away from her b/c I know she hates the smell. Always has!) We've been listening to U2's All That You Can't Leave Behind for like 2 weeks. One, b/c I love it, but mostly b/c I'm just too fucking lazy to change the cd. The more time I get to spend with (there are no words to describe her) Tigger; I'm finding that this is the perfect cd for our last moments together. Weird, huh?
Well, I must return to my rubbing and then get her down where I can brush her. Then, I can sneak into the bathroom for a smoke before bed. You know what just ripped my heart into pieces? By the time I get this posted, Miss Tigger will no longer be in the tub! Oh, PEOPLE, I would give ANYTHING to have her well. ANYTHING!!! I would give up my ability to have children, PS's testicles, ANYTHING!!! Why does this have to happen to me? Haven't I lost enough? Guess not! FUCK YOU!!! Whomever the fuck I'm bitching at about this, but it just fucking sucks! It's total bullshit! Do you have any idea what I'm going to turn into in the next 2 weeks? I'm probably going to end up in the hospital or a mental institution b/c I will have just lost the most important being that I've had the pleasure to call my best friend since I've been 17 and will be 29 on 3-11. Going to smoke and snuggle with my baby. Got to appreciate it while I can! 1:10am
Well, I REALLY don't think my day could possibly get ANY worse. Mom hurt her back and couldn't pick Miss T up for her treatment. I got her together and was going to pick up HH on the way for support. What happens to NN 5 miles away from her parent's house? A wreck, of course. I mean, FUCK, a wreck!?@! Yes, it was my fault b/c I hit the car from behind. I'm sure that I was petting Tigger or something. I dunno? The bestest part is that it totally fucked Christopher's right side and hardly did shit to the people I hit. Really, what could I expect? I do drive a golf cart.
So, we have to call the cops and go through all of the wreck bullshit. All of this going on while Miss T's in the car like "WTF?" I'm totally stressing b/c I have an hour, a fucking hour to pick up HH and get Miss T to Dr.NNNN before they close. Finally, got my ticket and off we went. We picked up HH. Poor baby, she's still really upset about Rocky. We make it to the vet and Dr.NNNN and I were talking about the "it" factor. He said, by looking at her, the "it" factor will be soon.
I called Best Friends this morning and got a really good price for her cremation and a nice urn. The urn is going to have a 4x6 photo area (and you can change out the photos) along with a plaque with her name along with her date of birth and date of death. All for 200 dollars. That's not a bad price. I was just driving myself crazy trying to find the perfect photo of her. I've got an photo album full of nothing, but Tigger photos. (this was before I found out that you could change the pics. That made me feel better. she was so photogenic, simply beautiful.)
I was sitting outside smoking on the swing just a moment ago and found myself laughing hysterically while looking at my car. I was like "Fuck It!" It 's only a car. I had to (maybe) just say good-bye to the most fabulously wonderful being that has ever had the pleasure to own me. The huge oak in our front yard could fall right into the middle of the house and I would just laugh. I think that I could probably see myself having a nervous break down, unless I'm already having one. Dunno?
PS did the video this morning and it turned out great. I'm sooo glad that he did that for me. (Thanks, PS!) I want to watch it again, but it's in his room and he's asleep. O's Dad is on his way over to make me eat and watch a movie. He said that I didn't need to be alone. He's a sweet one. He did leave rather quickly once he made a date. Go for it, dude!!! Gotta go hear our song (U2's All That You Can't Leave Behind, song 5 Kite. It's beautiful) and cry.
O's Dad stopped by for a minute. We ate (I mostly drank). We watched The Girl Next Door. What I saw of it, it seemed cute, but I wouldn't rent it. I slept for a few hours after he left. I woke up totally ill. I was throwing up and had a terrible upset stomach. Still do. I'm just sooo fucking upset that I'm making myself sick.
I watched SNL followed by an old SNL. I then watched my Tigger video. Again, cried hysterically. I'm now writing to you, having a Bud Light, and listening to our cd with our song on it. I keep thinking that I see her. I don't know WTF to do! I feel that I'm almost to the point that I'm so upset, that I'm just numb (body and soul). I talked to Pepe earlier. I'm trying to find the perfect photo for her urn. (this was before i found out you could change the pics) Pepe has some really great photos of Miss T on his computer. He's going to put them on a cd for me. (Thanks, Pepe!) he's got this one simply beautiful black and white of her. I really like it, but I'm thinking that I want one in color where you can see her colors and her perfectly pink heart shaped nose. This is sofucking hard! If this hurts this bad; I could not imagine what my mother went through loosing 2 children. My God!
Our song is on. I just want to go and get every picture that I have of her and reminisce and cry. I honest to God think that I'm really loosing it here.
Today was the single worst day of my life. (At least in the past 20 years.) I had Miss Tigger put to sleep today at 3:30pm. She was suffering so much. Mom and HH came and picked me up sunday and I just spent the night there. They drove me to the vet b/c I wanted to be with her when "it" happened. Plus, Mom and HH wanted to say bye. I just stayed in there with her and held her ever so tight and told her a 1000 times how much I loved her and would miss her terribly. We had one last dance. She liked for you to put on good music and prop her up on your right shoulder and dance. We had no music, so I just sang to her.
Dr.NNNN came in to do "it!" I stayed in there with her until the very end. She seemed to be at peace. I just couldn't watch her suffer any longer. I cried (wailed) louder than shit. I'm just so upset about this that I don't know what I'm going to do? I've just been sitting here watching our video over and over. I know, I'm probably making it worse. I'll probably watch it a few more times before I go and lay awake in bed. I loved that damn cat so fucking much! I only hope that she knows that.
I feel like I'm trapped in a nightmare and will eventually wake up and all will be well again. That's just not going to happen. My friend of 11 1/2 years is gone. We put her down at about 3:45pm. My wonderful Mother went and got me a 12 pack of Bud Light and a bottle of Merlot. She's so great! The wine was called Big Fat Merlot 2003 and was hot pink with a huge yellow kangaroo on the label. That's why I picked it. We got home, opened it (hot pink cork), and PS, Mom HH, and myself had a toast to Miss Tigger and watched the video. It was nice to have everyone there for that.
I just can't believe she's gone. My God!!! What the FUCK am I going to do w/o her. Gotta go!
Needless to say, I didn't sleep much last night. I keep thinking that I see her, but unfortunately, I do not. I miss her so damn much. I've already watched our video twice today. Today has barely even fucking started.
I've got to get my hair cut at 9am and work at 4:30pm. I just hope that I make it. God, I miss her! My life isn't and never will be the same without her in it. Bye!
Well, there it is. The death of my cat in the tub. I'm at my parent's now b/c I was just making myself sick and I was home all alone. My parents came to pick me up (though, I did not want them to). They said that I didn't need to be alone. My mother drove my car and my Dad took me to the doctor. I'm suspossed to work tomorrow night, but my Dr. said that I shouldn't. I'm also leaving on fri or sat to see Willie. The sad part is that I really don't want to go. Hopefully it will take my mind off Tigger for a little while.
The whole time that I've been sitting here typing (and I'm s-l-o-w), I've set out a few of her pictures to look at while I type. I can't believe this. I guess that I'm in shock or something. I get to pick up her ashes tues. I hope the it looks nice. I have a feeling that once I'm handed her ashes, I'm going to freak. Hope not too bad! I guess I should go and see Willie before they put me in the crazy chicken coop!
Scoop the Poop, never again!!! RIP, my Tigger T!!!