Ms. Tigger and I on the happiest day...
*I started writing everything about Tigger in her very own journal, since our computer is broken. I'm at my parent's house. I'm going to type in the order that they were written. Here goes the most depressing post ever. Don't say I didn't warn you!*
As you all know Miss Tigger has been sick lately. Basically, when she came home from the hospital, she was fine. Unfortunately, it doesn't last. She hasn't been eating. She's drinking and pissing and that's great and all, but I NEED her to eat and give me a big nasty turd! I'd give just about anything for that right now.
My Mom was suspossed to come and pick Miss T up and take her to Dr.NNNN for her last treatment. I'm not going to watch her suffer. OOOH, Deep breath!!! I'm going to have to pick out the most beautiful urn for her. I've decided to have her put to sleep on 3-12. (day after my b'day) Yeah! Happy Fucking Birthday to me!!! It's going to be the last one we share. Oh my God! Holy Fucking Shit Ass Hell, WHY? Why take the one true person/being that I have in my life? WHY?
Oh and when Mom and HH were on their way to pick up Miss T, they got a phone call from the trainer. HH's horse (Rocky) had got him leg stuck in the fence and broke his bone very, very, badly. They had to put him to sleep. I feel sooo sorry for HH b/c she and Rocky had a crazy special bond. What in the hell is this? Do pets die in threes? Who's next? Wait! Danny's goat died last week. Crazy!!!
I swear that I was sitting here earlier and Miss T was sitting next to me. I could tell that she wanted in my lap. I picked her up and just held her close and pet her. I looked her right in her beautiful eyes and asked her if she knew how very much I loved her. Looking into her eyes, I could definitely tell that she knew exactly how much I loved her. OH MY GOD!!! What in the fuck am I going to do w/o my Tigger? She's all I have. Who's going to snuggle with me, get mad when I light up a smoke, and get fur ALL over everything I own?Who's going to love me no matter what? I've got to go now and spend some time with my baby. People, I really don't know how I'm going to react about the whole situation. I guess we'll just have to wait and see!
I've been home since about 11pm. I've just been brushing her for like an hour now. I decided to write, of course, she had to be in my lap for that. So, I'm rubbing her and trying to write. All while slowly turning into an alcoholic.
For some reason, "it" (Tigger leaving me) REALLY kicked in today and I totally freaked the fuck out! I called our old vet. I told him everything. (Tigger had gone to him for 9 years, but he got a little expensive. Don't get me wrong, he's a great vet and a wonderful human being.) He basically agreed w/ everything and said that her treatment was basically like dialysis. He said that it would only get worse. He then said that he knew it was going to be sooo hard to let her go, afterall, she's only 11. He did tell me that there is a place here called Best Friends that cremates and has urns. When he told me that, I think that at that very moment "IT" totally fucking kicked in. I need to get up in the morning, hopefully make a Tigger video, get her ready for Mom (grandma), and then make funeral arrangements! Oh Holy Shit! Is this a freaking nightmare? Someone, PLEASE wake me up! How will I ever wear black w/o cat fur all over it? I just won't! What am I going to do w/o cat hair in my chapstick? What am I going to do when she's not there to stare at me like I'm going to hell for smoking? (Though, when I smoke inside, I usually go in the bathroom. I stay away from her b/c I know she hates the smell. Always has!) We've been listening to U2's All That You Can't Leave Behind for like 2 weeks. One, b/c I love it, but mostly b/c I'm just too fucking lazy to change the cd. The more time I get to spend with (there are no words to describe her) Tigger; I'm finding that this is the perfect cd for our last moments together. Weird, huh?
Well, I must return to my rubbing and then get her down where I can brush her. Then, I can sneak into the bathroom for a smoke before bed. You know what just ripped my heart into pieces? By the time I get this posted, Miss Tigger will no longer be in the tub! Oh, PEOPLE, I would give ANYTHING to have her well. ANYTHING!!! I would give up my ability to have children, PS's testicles, ANYTHING!!! Why does this have to happen to me? Haven't I lost enough? Guess not! FUCK YOU!!! Whomever the fuck I'm bitching at about this, but it just fucking sucks! It's total bullshit! Do you have any idea what I'm going to turn into in the next 2 weeks? I'm probably going to end up in the hospital or a mental institution b/c I will have just lost the most important being that I've had the pleasure to call my best friend since I've been 17 and will be 29 on 3-11. Going to smoke and snuggle with my baby. Got to appreciate it while I can! 1:10am
Well, I REALLY don't think my day could possibly get ANY worse. Mom hurt her back and couldn't pick Miss T up for her treatment. I got her together and was going to pick up HH on the way for support. What happens to NN 5 miles away from her parent's house? A wreck, of course. I mean, FUCK, a wreck!?@! Yes, it was my fault b/c I hit the car from behind. I'm sure that I was petting Tigger or something. I dunno? The bestest part is that it totally fucked Christopher's right side and hardly did shit to the people I hit. Really, what could I expect? I do drive a golf cart.
So, we have to call the cops and go through all of the wreck bullshit. All of this going on while Miss T's in the car like "WTF?" I'm totally stressing b/c I have an hour, a fucking hour to pick up HH and get Miss T to Dr.NNNN before they close. Finally, got my ticket and off we went. We picked up HH. Poor baby, she's still really upset about Rocky. We make it to the vet and Dr.NNNN and I were talking about the "it" factor. He said, by looking at her, the "it" factor will be soon.
I called Best Friends this morning and got a really good price for her cremation and a nice urn. The urn is going to have a 4x6 photo area (and you can change out the photos) along with a plaque with her name along with her date of birth and date of death. All for 200 dollars. That's not a bad price. I was just driving myself crazy trying to find the perfect photo of her. I've got an photo album full of nothing, but Tigger photos. (this was before I found out that you could change the pics. That made me feel better. she was so photogenic, simply beautiful.)
I was sitting outside smoking on the swing just a moment ago and found myself laughing hysterically while looking at my car. I was like "Fuck It!" It 's only a car. I had to (maybe) just say good-bye to the most fabulously wonderful being that has ever had the pleasure to own me. The huge oak in our front yard could fall right into the middle of the house and I would just laugh. I think that I could probably see myself having a nervous break down, unless I'm already having one. Dunno?
PS did the video this morning and it turned out great. I'm sooo glad that he did that for me. (Thanks, PS!) I want to watch it again, but it's in his room and he's asleep. O's Dad is on his way over to make me eat and watch a movie. He said that I didn't need to be alone. He's a sweet one. He did leave rather quickly once he made a date. Go for it, dude!!! Gotta go hear our song (U2's All That You Can't Leave Behind, song 5 Kite. It's beautiful) and cry.
O's Dad stopped by for a minute. We ate (I mostly drank). We watched The Girl Next Door. What I saw of it, it seemed cute, but I wouldn't rent it. I slept for a few hours after he left. I woke up totally ill. I was throwing up and had a terrible upset stomach. Still do. I'm just sooo fucking upset that I'm making myself sick.
I watched SNL followed by an old SNL. I then watched my Tigger video. Again, cried hysterically. I'm now writing to you, having a Bud Light, and listening to our cd with our song on it. I keep thinking that I see her. I don't know WTF to do! I feel that I'm almost to the point that I'm so upset, that I'm just numb (body and soul). I talked to Pepe earlier. I'm trying to find the perfect photo for her urn. (this was before i found out you could change the pics) Pepe has some really great photos of Miss T on his computer. He's going to put them on a cd for me. (Thanks, Pepe!) he's got this one simply beautiful black and white of her. I really like it, but I'm thinking that I want one in color where you can see her colors and her perfectly pink heart shaped nose. This is sofucking hard! If this hurts this bad; I could not imagine what my mother went through loosing 2 children. My God!
Our song is on. I just want to go and get every picture that I have of her and reminisce and cry. I honest to God think that I'm really loosing it here.
Today was the single worst day of my life. (At least in the past 20 years.) I had Miss Tigger put to sleep today at 3:30pm. She was suffering so much. Mom and HH came and picked me up sunday and I just spent the night there. They drove me to the vet b/c I wanted to be with her when "it" happened. Plus, Mom and HH wanted to say bye. I just stayed in there with her and held her ever so tight and told her a 1000 times how much I loved her and would miss her terribly. We had one last dance. She liked for you to put on good music and prop her up on your right shoulder and dance. We had no music, so I just sang to her.
Dr.NNNN came in to do "it!" I stayed in there with her until the very end. She seemed to be at peace. I just couldn't watch her suffer any longer. I cried (wailed) louder than shit. I'm just so upset about this that I don't know what I'm going to do? I've just been sitting here watching our video over and over. I know, I'm probably making it worse. I'll probably watch it a few more times before I go and lay awake in bed. I loved that damn cat so fucking much! I only hope that she knows that.
I feel like I'm trapped in a nightmare and will eventually wake up and all will be well again. That's just not going to happen. My friend of 11 1/2 years is gone. We put her down at about 3:45pm. My wonderful Mother went and got me a 12 pack of Bud Light and a bottle of Merlot. She's so great! The wine was called Big Fat Merlot 2003 and was hot pink with a huge yellow kangaroo on the label. That's why I picked it. We got home, opened it (hot pink cork), and PS, Mom HH, and myself had a toast to Miss Tigger and watched the video. It was nice to have everyone there for that.
I just can't believe she's gone. My God!!! What the FUCK am I going to do w/o her. Gotta go!
Needless to say, I didn't sleep much last night. I keep thinking that I see her, but unfortunately, I do not. I miss her so damn much. I've already watched our video twice today. Today has barely even fucking started.
I've got to get my hair cut at 9am and work at 4:30pm. I just hope that I make it. God, I miss her! My life isn't and never will be the same without her in it. Bye!
Well, there it is. The death of my cat in the tub. I'm at my parent's now b/c I was just making myself sick and I was home all alone. My parents came to pick me up (though, I did not want them to). They said that I didn't need to be alone. My mother drove my car and my Dad took me to the doctor. I'm suspossed to work tomorrow night, but my Dr. said that I shouldn't. I'm also leaving on fri or sat to see Willie. The sad part is that I really don't want to go. Hopefully it will take my mind off Tigger for a little while.
The whole time that I've been sitting here typing (and I'm s-l-o-w), I've set out a few of her pictures to look at while I type. I can't believe this. I guess that I'm in shock or something. I get to pick up her ashes tues. I hope the it looks nice. I have a feeling that once I'm handed her ashes, I'm going to freak. Hope not too bad! I guess I should go and see Willie before they put me in the crazy chicken coop!
Scoop the Poop, never again!!! RIP, my Tigger T!!!