Ms. Tigger and I on the happiest day...
More Tigger Chronicles
We just made it to Biloxi. Our Room is very nice. It has a huge window that you can sit in with a beautiful view of the ocean. Yes, it's purdy! Maybe this little trip will help me keep my mind off of Tigger. At least for an hour or two?
We just got back from a walk down the pier. We're now fixing to go swimming and get in the hot tub. fun! I guess that I'm having a good time, but I just can't get Tigger out of my head. I just keep thinking that on tuesday that I'm going to pick her up, not her ashes! I feel like I'm loosing it here.
I've been awake for about 2 hours now. I'm just sitting here looking out the window. I know I should be like, "Oh, it's sooo nice out there. I must get dressed right now and go outside!" All the while, I'm really thinking, my Tigger is gone, for real. My baby is gone and I don't know what I'm going to do w/o her. I should be all excited that I'm going to be hearing the beautiful music of Willie Nelson in less than 10 hours, but NO, all I can think is that I simply can't believe she's gone. I really think that I've got myself convinced that on tuesday that I'm picking her up. I really think I'm going to fall to pieces when I'm handed her urn thingy. For that is where Miss Tigger will be. GOD! I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm never again going to be able to snuggle with her or hold her in my lap. I miss her sooo fucking much! I feel like my life is over. Why Damn It? WHY?
11amTears Of A Clown
I'm sitting by the pool getting some fresh ocean air while having a smoke and a Bud Light! Yeah! I was just getting my journal ready and I saw my Tigger pics. I have them in there b/c when I get home tomorrow, I'm going to have them all made into 4x6's where I can change them out on her urn thingy. Oh My God!
Anyhew, I just saw one and immediately felt anxious. My mood ring turned black. (it's pretty much been black since monday) I'm getting to the point where I can't even look at them w/o crying, but for some reason, I want to look at them. I just don't know what to do. I'm fixing to start crying and I didn't bring any tissue down here. Gotta go now. I'm just going to sit here and finish my beer and try to feel her presence in this beautiful setting that I am in.
We've been back from Willie for a few hours now. It was, as always, amazing! I got a really cool poster and a t-shirt. We didn't make it to see Willie, but, I was like, "Oh well, been there, done that..." I swear to you, all I have on my mind is getting back to Jackson and getting my photos made. I want them ready for tuesday. I pick her up and want to make sure that I have plenty to choose from.
I'm starting to get a headache, OUCH! I think that I might walk outside and enjoy the nice ocean air and a cigarette. Willie was fucking cool as hell. He sang a few old songs that I've never heard him play live before. That was cool!!!
We got back home at about 11am. I went and had the pics made for tomorrow. I just keep thinking that I'm going to pick her up from the vet or something. I have NO idea how this is going to affect me.
Anyhew, when I got home, I decided to unpack and clean my room. You know, hang up all of the clothes that I've been looking for like forever, but they've been burried underneath everything on my loveseat. I got unpacked and cleaned off a "Tigger spot" on my dresser. I wanted to have a nice place for her to be when she comes home. It has 9 pics in kitty frames and 5 or 6 or 60 just laying around with some of her favorite toys. I have 3 red glass candle holders in the back. I guess it's nice. I've never done this before. Oh, and it has her kitty footprints in a clay mold that's shaped like a cat. My friend, KS got that for me for X-mas 2years ago. I'm ever so glad that she did. I remember putting her little paws in there. She was not happy at all, but now I have her little paw prints forever. Thank you, KS. I love you! Looking back now, that's one of the greatest things anyone has ever gotten for me.
When I was hanging everything up, I found Miss Tigger's sweater. (one of them, the one she wore the most) I freaked. I just started crying my eyes out. It still smells like her. I even took a nap with it earlier. When I was hanging up clothes, I needed more hangers. I have tons of them behind my screen. When I was back there trying my damnest to get them out of the fucking back, I could smell where her litter box was. I smelled fucking cat litter, people, and burst into tears. I had the tv on earlier, don't know why? Oh, the weather was bad. I saw a freaking Whiskas commercial and started crying. I then just had to go and sit on the floor of my bedroom and look at my shrine to the fabulous Miss Tigger.
When I got home earlier, there was a video tape sitting on the chair in the livingroom. It said "Miss Tigger Video 2-26-05." PS had put it on a vhs for me. That was sooo sweet of him. I've watched it several times and must say that, yes, I will watch it again. My God, PS, Thank You sooo fucking much for coming home early that day to make this video. For it was less than 48hours later, she was gone to kitty heaven.
*I've got more to post, but just can't do it right now.*