Ms. Tigger and I on the happiest day...
No You Didn't
Yeea ah did ya’ know what I’m sayin’? Awww muh God yall, wanna learn Ebonics? Go to www.joel.net/EBONICS/translator.asp.
(If I knew how to link it and actually get it to work for me, I would.) Try and see. If you go there click on Funny Stuff; then go to Clinton’s Apology Speech. The beginning is good for a laugh or two. You can also learn how to say “Happy Mother’s Day” or “I love you” in an oh so special kind of way. I just happened upon this website when I wanted to learn the proper way to say,”Oh no, you didn’t” in Ebonics. I really didn’t expect anything to come up. I originally expected my “Precious” to up and start cursing me at the thought, but clearly she did not. There are thousands of websites that are just about Ebonics. Let me go ahead and apologize if I offend anyone with this, but that is just fucking hilarious to me. Ebonics, is this language really suppose to be taken seriously or is it just a terribly funny joke made to be enjoyed by silly little white girls like myself? I’ve gone on about it enough and managed to forget what I was here to talk about. (All while making myself sound like a stupid racist idiot from Mississippi) Well, I’m not and if you think that, then you obviously were not informed, but "I’m the nicest fucking person that I know!"
Oh yeah that’s it! I’m a member. I’m officially a member of the QVC club or something like that. I’ve never, never, never ordered anything from these people before and often find myself making fun of the people that do. (Like my mother) This is how it happened. A friend called and the conversation went something like:
Friend: “Are you watching TV?”
NN: “No. I’m on my “Precious.”
Friend: “You’ve got to put it on QVC quick.”
NN: “O.k. Hold on.”
NN: “I’m there. What in the hell is this?”
Friend: “It is called the Panic Mouse and I think that Tigger will just love it.”
NN: “Of course she will. Gotta go. I’ll call you back.”
It is a freaking machine that sits on the floor and plays with your cat for a small payment of $30.33. It has multiple settings on it. It is kinda like one of those fishing poles with the mouse on it. You can make it go fast, slow, up and down, back and forth, or anything else that your kitty might desire. It looks like a big yellow blender with mouse ears on it. I can’t wait for Tigger to get all cracked out on this toy. (Maybe finally, I can use my massager in peace. I swear every time I turn it on, the cat comes running. This makes it extremely hard for me to take care of business.)
I’m just trying to think of this purchase as a piece of exercise equipment for my cat. (Seeing that I’m way to lazy to play with her for free.) It’s not like she doesn’t have toys. Tigger has more toys than most small children that I know; I’m not exaggerating at all. I am, indeed, one of those weird pet owners that buy them EVERYTHING. Rarely do I ever go to a pet store and find something that Tigger doesn’t already have. I’ve just started buying her kid toys. (You know like the ones those humans use.)
I’m hoping that this toy will help whip my slightly over weight kitty into shape. Screw the New Year’s Eve resolution diets for people. Those simply DO NOT work. You know it as well as I. (Besides, I’m not fat. Lately, I’ve been told that I’m a bit too skinny.) Why not make a resolution that you can keep? In 2004 I want Tigger to loose 2lbs. Go ahead and smoke your cigarettes, eat your meat, drink EVERYTHING, do what or who you like, and don’t worry about exercising. Leave the hard shit to the pets!
I still can’t get over the fact that I ordered something from QVC. This depression thing better not turn me into some whiny old bitch that sits at home eating bon-bons, playing on her “Precious,” ordering out because she’s just too damn lazy to leave the house, (Besides, that would take effort and that I do not have.) all while ordering unwanted and unneeded bullshit off of QVC for HER CAT!!!