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Thursday, January 08, 2004
  Your A Very Bad Girl, NN, Kinda Pathetic Too
Just a little note here to let myself know how very disappointed that I am in, well, myself. I am officially smoking again! I have been smoking since Saturday. I did not smoke Sunday. I thought that I wasn't smoking because I did not want or need to. I was wrong. I was not smoking because I was hung over and afraid that a cigarette would only make me vomit or worse. (There are lots of things that make me want to vomit. All of which I will share with you on another day.) Anyway, Sunday night I started to feel better so I began to smoke again. (I was watching CM smoke and it looked sooo satisfying that I had to have one.) That one cigarette quickly turned into one pack which has turned into two packs, well you get the picture. I do not plan on smoking daily again. I WILL QUIT!! I have the flu and for some strange reason, a cigarette makes me feel like I can hack up most of that shit that has built up in my chest and yes, it IS helping. Don't judge me, damn it!

I must also point out to myself how absolutely pathetic that I was when my computer was broken. I lied in the bed and stared at it like it were a sick relative. (The sad part is that I am happier on this freaking computer than I am with most people these days.) Sad, NN, very, very sad! It is giving me something to do with my time rather than sit around feeling sorry for myself because life simply doesn't go my way. You know what, it never has. Why should I be so damn upset about it now? Really, things have never been too terribly easy for me. I have never really been too happy with anyone. (Friends, lovers, anyone) I think that I simply put up with my totally disfunctional family because, well, because they ARE my family. I just keep thinking that one fine day I will indeed be happy. I guess that it is hard to believe it when in all of my nearly 28 years on this planet (Yes, I'm orginally from Mars.) I've never been really happy. I've just been really sad. I try so f***ing hard to gain everyone's love and approval that I think I make it extra hard on myself. Oh well, if it never happens, I will live. I've been doing it a long time. Why should I stop now?
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Just go ahead and read, afterall, did no one tell you that I'm the nicest fucking person that I know?! You can email me at catsinthetub@hotmail.com, go ahead, make my day!

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