Ms. Tigger and I on the happiest day...
Blue, Why Don't You...
My moods seem to be pretty “stable” during the last few days. I guess that the Wellbutrin is starting to take effect. I’m not feeling so “Bipolar”. I’m not terribly happy one minute, crying hysterically the next, and then planning suicide or anything.
My problem is that I’m really just not feeling anything. I’m not happy. (Unless I’m reading this
) I’m not sad, well, let’s not go to extremes; I’m not AS
sad. I’m not mad. (Unless you wake me up too fucking early without coffee in hand.) There’s not too much making me “happy” these days. I know that I’ve said it in past entries that sometimes I’d rather not feel anything than to feel hurt or feel pain. But, damn, I just want to fell “happy”. You know, really “happy”.
Dr.MM put me back on Xanax also, but I’m trying not to take them unless I really need to. I don’t know if it’s the drugs or the painful experiences that I’ve endured lately, but I’m really starting not to give a shit. (About Anything!!)
I don’t want to go out. Hell, I don’t really want to leave the house. I barely want to talk to my family and friends. I just want to be on my “Precious”. THAT'S ALL!
I think I’m so darn scared of getting “hurt” again that I don’t want to let anyone get “too” close. I’m lucky because I know that I have many people who love me, but why can I not accept their love? I mean in the past few weeks, I’ve been extremely hurt (if you can even call it that) by a dear “friend” and my “dad”. (Now I have a feeling, I feel like crying, I guess at least I’m feeling something!) My feelings lately can only be described as “blue”. (Which, ironically is my favorite color) Is there some connection here? Would I feel better if my favorite color were magenta?
Saturday is Valentine’s Day. I may have a date with PS; if I can manage to get my pathetic ass out of the house. Aren’t I suppose to be getting flowers, (not roses, anyone can get roses) flowers from that guy out there that loves me? The man that adores me and loves to hear my voice. Hell, he loves EVERYTHING about me, even my stinky feet. We should have plans for a very romantic evening. The only problem is that we’ve yet to know each other.
Valentine's Day is a painful anniversary for me. I made a life altering decision on Valentine’s Day 6yrs ago and Feb. 14th isn’t exactly a good day for me. It’s only a painful reminder of what I did all those years ago. I wish that I could have a good one because I’ve not had a good one in a damn long time. I know that I’m asking for the impossible here. (I mean, is Mr. Wonderful going to come and knock on my door, looking just like Hugh, and tell me that he’s been looking for me for years? I think not.) I think that the best thing for me to do is to treat Saturday like any other Saturday. It’s just the day after Friday and the day before Sunday!!
I was at MATH earlier and we were all talking about what we were doing on Valentine’s Day. I came up with my plan. I’m going to watch EVERY Hugh Jackman movie that I own. (And I own most of them) I’m going to watch Hugh and eat all of the French fries that I want. It will no longer be referred to as Valentine’s Day. It’s now known (to me) as National Hugh Jackman Day!!
Speaking of Hugh, I actually left the house today. Yippieee!!! I went to Starbucks and got my usual Peppermint Mocha. I also went to Blockbuster to rent Lost in Translation
and the X-Men 2
. (You know, I gotta get my Hugh on!) I can’t believe being that I think that he’s the sexiest man evah that I’ve yet to see this movie. I tried to get this movie that a “friend” recommended called Jesus’ Son
. Of course, they didn’t have it. (They NEVER do!!) I am determined to see this movie. Maybe, I’ll just have to go but it.
Well, I’m going to smoke and watch my movies now. I’ll be back later with a full movie review like only I can! Stay tuned.
Oh, nothing to do with anything, but on Will and Grace
tonight, Jack went to go see The Boy From Oz
. For those of you that don’t know, it’s a musical starring Hugh Jackman on Broadway. (That I could only dream of seeing) Jack was talking about just how sexy
Hugh was. Its destiny, it a Hugh Day indeed!!