I Can't Even Smoke
Hey, everyone! How are ya? Me, I'm fine other that the fact that it's FUCKING like 20 degrees in my house. I live in an old house that doen't have central heat and a/c. We have one gas heater in the bathroom and like 3 plug ins and it's still cold as hell! No, actually PS and I were discussing the temp. this morning and both agreed that "cold as hell" is just wrong b/c isn't hell susposed to be pretty damn hot? Anyway, I got some (not all) of my clothes and coats and shoes from my mom today. She also gave me 2 heaters. Cool! (Thanks Mom!) Now, I'm just sitting here listening to an old David Gray cd that I haven't listened to in forever. I'd forgotten how much I liked him. I've also got a Tigger in a sweater in my lap. We're trying to keep warm! I want to post a picture of her in her little sweater, but as you all know, I don't know how to do all of that and need to get PS to do it for me. He's sleeping right now!

I could see me going in there, "Um, PS, can you come and take a picture of me and Tigger in her sweater? She looks so cute!" PS's reply would either be silence or a "are you fucking crazy, you psycho bitch from hell? i WAS fucking asleep!" I do not dare wake him before his time. He is a vampire and can only awaken once the sun has gone down. He does have special powers which allow him to endure the sunlight for a couple of hours a day. How else would he walk to his car in the morning? How else would he go to the gym? I'm really hoping that this music isn't too loud. I don't want to wake him and get bitten. I wouldn't have the special power to endure sunlight and I have to be at work at 10am. I seriously doubt that the music bothers him. First of all, it's not very loud and second, he could probably sleep through a train going through our livingroom. He's a very hard ass sleeper!

I found myself thinking of the most depressing thing the other morning. I was thinking, would anyone family, my so-called 2 faced friends, anyone care if I wasn't here. I mean I never see anyone, but the people I work with and PS. Even when PS and I get to spend time together, it's rare b/c we both have crazy schedules. I feel as if my life is passing by so fast and all I do is the same things every day. I work and go home. I'm off work at home. I go back to work. I sometimes get to hang with PS for like an hour or so. Like the other night when I kicked his ass in Mickey Monopoly. We had a great night and spent lots of time together until I just had to go sleep. Anyway, back to my depressing thought. I was just thinking, you know, I hardly see my family. I have zero friends. Even though, I think that PS really does love me, he'd probably just be glad that Tigger was gone. I know that he might read this at some point, but it's my journal and I can type whatever I want, right? Sometimes I'm really unsure of PS's feelings towards or about me. It would truly break my heart to find out that he wasn't the person that I fell in love with. (Um, thanks, you fucking David Gray, now I'm crying.) I think that it's just that we are now on a different level b/c we live together. We get to see the good, the bad, and the ugly (me when I wake up). I just care for his so, so much that I can't put my feelings into words and sometimes, as much as it hurts me to say this, I sometimes feel that he'd just prefer me to go away! PS, if you're reading, sorry. I'm just feeling VERY emotional right now. Things are changing, you know. I'm getting older and you want to move and I can't blame you. I want to eventually get the hell out of good old Mississippi myself. I just don't know what to think of anyone these days. I'm just sad and lonely. I do talk to my sister quite often. She wanted to come over and spend the night tonight, but the she found out how cold it was here and passed on that one. It's suspose to freeze here tonight. I do know that my family and a hand few of people would care if something happened to me and I'm not some stupid bitch that's going to run off and kill herself or anything. I just had a sad thought and that was it, M'kay!!!

I went by my mother's work and she hasn't seen me since I got all of my hair cut off. I was expecting a, "well, you look like a big fucking dyke" and got, "yeah, it's cute! you just need to gain some weight." This coming from the woman that doesn't EVER give compliments and will call you fat if you weigh 100 lbs. I was like, Wow! I think she must have recently taken her hormone shot or something b/c she was being extra nice to me today. Maybe it was b/c we haven't seen eachother since Thanksgiving and probably won't be seeing much of eachother until X-mas. (if we even have X-mas, I don't know WTF's going on) I know that I have all of my presents bought and am now stress free. If anyone that I brought gifts for doesn't like the gift, they can gladly return them b/c there is not one gift that I'm giving that I wouldn't love for myself. So, BRING IT ON, poeple, I'm ready! I'm ready! I guess that I'm fixing to turn off this depressing cd and see what Oprah has to offer me today. If she has nothing then I guess that I'll watch Ocean's 12. Don't know how I keep getting all of these movies, but it's all good! Later!!!!!!!!

Scoop the Poop, when it warms up b/c right now, it to fucking cold to move!!!!
  ¶ 1:15 PM