Ms. Tigger and I on the happiest day...
I Have A Wonderful Life
I did something really stupid today. I was having an anxiety attack from hell and it wasn't time for my Xanax, so I opened up the big old grandma looking day and time pill holder and got one out. I had my robe on, so I put it in my pocket. I felt badly for taking it and did not want to upset my parents, so I went to put it back and I swear on my life, it was not in my pocket. Then I was really freaking out because there was a 2mg Xanax somewhere on the floor of the house. I was freaking because we have two small dogs and I didn't know if they ate it if it would harm them. So...what did I do while freaking out? Yes, I went and took another one and took it this time. The irony of this whole thing is that by the time I actually took the pill, it was time for me to take my pill!
I felt so badly that I went and told my Mom what I had done and asked her to please forgive me. She said that there was nothing to forgive and that she had never been prouder of me than she was at that moment for being honest. I know that I bitch and raise hell about her sometimes, but she really is great. I started crying. I just felt as if I had taken one giant leap foward and two big steps back. She just told me to stop crying and that she loved me.
We then retraced my steps and still could not find that damn pill. So, we just swept the entire house, just to make sure that the dogs wouldn't find it. Still didn't find it, but it happened hours ago, so if one of the dogs ate it, I guess it didn't hurt them.
I just feel like such a failure at this moment. I'm just so thankful to have such a supportive family. We told my Dad when he got home and also said that he was proud of me. i mean, really? What did I do to in a past life to have such a wonderful family in this one?
My Mom later told me that if I'm ever feeling that way again to just come to her and she will try breathing exercises for a few minutes and if that didn't work than she would get the Xanax herself. I just feel like no matter what they said to me, they are really upset. I feel like a total fuck up. I hate that I've done this to myself. HATE IT!
I just don't know what to do from one day to the next. My life is like a huge puzzle with a few pieces missing. I feel like no matter what i do, I'll never find them. But, then I see them, but they are under this heavy something and I can't lift it to get them out. i dunno?