Ms. Tigger and I on the happiest day...
? It's My Fault ?
I have finally reached my breaking point and realize that this stupid journal is not that important to me. I may very well be coming to an ending for my time here. I haven't made up my mind yet. I can say that I'm not going to be as open with you because I really don't care if anyone is reading and if you are, I really don't care what you think. My life has been flipped upside down and thrown up inside out all over this journal and quite frankly, I'm sick of it.
I finally understand all of it for the first time in my life. I'm not even going to attempt to explain it to you. You would not understand and like I said before, I don't care anymore. I understand now that my life has all been (to me) one big pile of shit, but it's a really big world out there and I'm simply a fly in a world full of beautiful horses. I just feel like someone has come and clawed my heart out of my chest for me to realize that, but that, unfortunately, is not true. My heart is still here. It's my Brando that is dead. The poor thing simply could not fight any more. He was hospitalized and hooked up to a feeding tube and IV's pumping fluids and vitamins into his poor little body. The vet said that he had a rough night and suggested that I may want to put him to sleep. I had to say good bye to him. I stayed with him and just held him in my arms for about an hour and told him how much I love him. I told him not to be afraid and that it would be Christmas all of the time (he loved Christmas) where he was going. I told him that Tigger would be there to show him around and that he would never know pain again. I just wish that I could feel that way.
You know, never know pain or heartache again. I really feel like this was the final straw in the completion of the loss of my mind. I simply do not care anymore. I don't care about work. I don't care about people. I don't care about my home. I don't care about the way I look. I haven't even brushed my hair since he died. The scariest thing is that I don't care about myself. I find myself looking for the bad things in life now instead of the good. I seek the bad because I know that they are not good for me and maybe ...
I feel like God hates me and that I am a very bad person and that is why all of these bad things keep happening to me. I know I may sound like a complete whack job, but I'm afraid to love anything/anyone for the fear that they will be taken away from me. If I feel this bad over Brando, just imagine how scared I am to love my own family. I'm absolutely terrified that if I show too much love for them that someone will end up dead as another sign of my punishment for being a bad person. I feel like I am cursed.
I know deep down inside that this is not true, but when things like this keep happening and everyone that you love ends up leaving you, it's hard to get a grip on reality. I'm scared that reality is so far gone in my mind that I may never see it again. Maybe this is what I get for getting a "real" job, joining a gym, getting a new car, etc. Maybe I was just meant to be hooked on antidepressants and living a life of solitude. Brando was the only man, other than my Father, in my life that was worth a shit.
All of the others just want to fuck you one minute and then say fuck off the next. That's why I've been single for so long is because after dating Pepe for so long, he showed me that he was as close to sleeping with Satan as I would ever get. Maybe that was part of my punishment, I was sleeping with Satan for years and now it's payback. I thought that I already suffered for that one, but I guess I was wrong. I'll die before I crawl back down that hole!!!